As I sit here
reminiscing about where I was this time last year I can’t help and be amazed at
the strength that I have. Last year at this very time I was scared out of my
mind about giving birth to my second son Tenoch. I had had the worst pregnancy
from the very beginning I was destined for trouble. Around May 2010 I shattered
my leg in a roller derby practice and had to get surgery on mother’s day of all
days. It was the worst pain I have ever endured. The morning after the leg
surgery I lay in my bed screaming at the top of my lungs sweating from the
pain. I felt like I had run out of tears there was nothing that I could do, no
medication that I could take to make it all go away. About a few weeks later
when I was going into the doctor for a checkup and x-ray I was informed that I
was about less than 2 weeks pregnant... I couldn't believe it! We had been
trying for 3 years and all of a sudden here was our chance! But the doctors
were very skeptical they kept telling us that "we were barely
pregnant" whatever that meant... I was informed because of the trauma that
I suffered that I should not be surprised when I miss carry and it was best
that I don't even imagine a baby in the future. I was heartbroken how could
they be telling me this... but I decided that I would make the best of it if
and when I happened to miss carry then I would deal with that at that time
until then I was pregnant and loving it! I was still on bed rest and in a great
deal of pain... but now with the realization that I was having a little baby
all of those pain killers I was taking just didn't feel right so I just
suffered and toughed it out..
About a month later I suddenly had a
terrible pain in my leg that felt like a Charlie horse that just wouldn't go
away! The pain started to subside though I spoke to a doctor they dismissed it
and I was sent home to my bed. On July 12th I woke up with a terrible pain in
my lung and felt like I was drowning. when I started coughing up blood my
husband rushed me to the ER where I was informed that I had blood clots in my
legs that had traveled to my right lung killing part of it. I was admitted to
the ICU instantly and informed that I would be put on blood thinners. The doctor
told me with a stern face and a raspy voice that they were hoping I would
survive the night. WHAT? What are you talking about I asked. The doctor told me
the blood clot was so big that the only reason I was still alive was because I was
so young or because god wanted it that way. Normally people with a blood clot
that size would of died instantly. My blood clot was a little bit bigger than 4cm
my little baby growing away was barely 2cm. fear came over me and as I laid in
that bed alone all I could think about was my Diego... how I would miss all his
great moments, how I was going to be a distant memory to him. I was so scared
as I drifted off to sleep... as I woke up the next morning I for the first time
in a long time was so thankful to be alive. I mean I was always happy that I
got another day but when your told that this might be it when you actually wake
up it’s like a wonderful feeling that engulfs you! I was told that the best
thing for me was to terminate my pregnancy and wait till I was better so that I
would be healthier and the complications wouldn't be there. For a split second I
thought well maybe but in the end I just couldn't do it. as the months went by I
was in terrible pain, I was taking injections in my pregnant belly I was told
weekly that if I was to have complications during birth the risk of death was
severely high. if I were to need a C-section that I would most likely die. For
nine months I was terrified of my "due date" it was more like a death
sentence to me! I had to deal with terrible asthma, blood clots, injections,
and still the terrible pain of recovering from my surgery I was miserable! I
had no happy moments in my pregnancy no one gave me a baby shower to celebrate
my child, no "glowing" feeling. Just sadness and fear for the WHOLE
THING! As the 15th approached I was more and more nervous so I did something
that I didn't think I was going to do. I asked my mother someone that I try my
hardest not to open my heart to the person that I know will always let me down.
I asked her to stay the night with me. I figured that she knew my situation,
the risk I was running surely if this were to be my last night on earth she
would want to spend it by my side. I asked her weeks ahead giving her the
reason that we would have to wake up very early to be on time at the hospital
so if she could just spend the night it would be so much easier since she was
going to take my son to school. She agreed but like always something was more
important as I waited for her to arrive that night I got a phone call from her
informing me that it was just not convenient for her and that she would just pick
up my son in the morning. Anger and sadness consumed me. why!? Why out of all
days was she doing this to me! I was scared I just wanted someone to hold me to
tell me that I was going to be ok. I wanted to hear that this choice I had made
was going to pay off, but there I lay on my sofa hysterical! I couldn't breathe
and as my husband got home from work he of course didn't understand why I was
so upset. it just wasn't convenient so I should just get over it. It wasn't the
point! Didn’t anyone understand! I needed someone I needed comfort. I was so
angry I decided just to sleep on the sofa and drive myself to the hospital the
next morning, and so I did I woke up and alone I packed my bag giving my son a
kiss as he slept. I headed out into the dark cold morning feeling so unbearably
alone. When I got to the hospital to be induced I found out that I was already
5cm dilated!
This baby was going to be here soon!! so after a couple of hours my husband
arrived and though I was still very upset with him for making me feel like my
feelings were so juvenile. I decided that it was not the moment to continue
that fight and I just forfeited that one and decided to be happy. as the time
got closer and closer the unthinkable happened all the machines around me
started beeping in high volumes and 20ppl rushed in. I was being probed and
turned and all I could hear was a doctor telling me they couldn't find my
baby's heartbeat. THIS WAS IT I THOUGHT! I knew it! I knew I was going to die! Everything
started to muffle out I couldn't hear anyone clearly all I could hear was
Diego, my little Diego how I missed him. Was I selfish? I wanted him to have a
brother someone he could play with and make memories with. I wanted to have
another person to love and who love me! How could this be happening! As the
doctor explained to me we are going to have to prep you for surgery I felt like
I was drowning in my tears.
Just then my doctor rushed in and saved the day she somehow positioned me a
certain way and took me off the Pitocin and there it was the most wonderful
sound ever! My baby's heart beat! About an hour later I was pushing! 3 minutes
into it there he was! The sweetest baby every Tenoch Julian Chavez as I held
him in my arms gooey, bloody, with that fresh baby smell. I said to him "what
the fuck do those doctors know my love huh we showed them. We made it!"
and my doctor replied “that's true sometimes we don't know anything” I loved
him so much instantly. I had waited for him for 9 months everyone kept saying
how it wasn't going to happen, that I was crazy for wanting to do this. It was
all worth it. no one celebrated us and yet through it all I was holding you in
my arms. This year has been a world wind tomorrow my little baby is going to be
a year old and he has made my life better every single day. For 9 months I was in
pain and in fear. Now for a year I have been so happy because every day that I
wake up he greets me with a smile and toothless grin that makes me so complete.
So here we are my love we have made it a year what the fuck do they know? You
were worth every injection, every sleepless night, all the pain from lack of
painkillers all of it! You were so worth it! I love you with all my heart!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
